I, being an extremely popular person, know about a million people...and a half a million losers. Now, there is some difficult math in there, but I think if you reduce correctly, you can narrow it down too, "half the people this guy knows are losers." Excellent work if you came to that conclusion...
Anyway, I can also make you a guarantee. That's right, because God has blessed me with a crushing amount of talent for this stuff, I can make an accusation and a guarantee all within my first two paragraphs. Please take a moment to pause and feel the demeaning sense of awe at my magnanimity....thank you. Getting back to earth, I guarantee that after having heard my accusation concerning the fifty percent stupidy rate, you automatically thought, Psshh, I don't fit in that catagory, I'm not a loser.
I beg to differ. First of all, I could easily list some valid reasons as to why you are, without a doubt, a loser. Just look yourself over! You are actually taking the time to read somebody elses blog. This simply infers that you have nothing else to do; people with nothing to do have no lives. One down. Two, unless eating, you most definitely have your mouth hanging open right now. Do not be surprised, this is simply one of your looserish qualities surfacing. Thirdly, well, do I really need to go on? I think not.
So then, I'm going to make another accusation: not all, but some of you are going to be thinking of quitting this blog right about now.
You're thinking, What is this guys point? Sure he is an incredible writer and is probably really hansom, but I don't waste my time reading this stuff just to be put down.
Look, the purpose of this blog is not to make you feel like a loser (you've already done that yourself). In fact, it's purpose constitutes the complete and total opposite of goals.
My goal is actually to free you from your loserhood. I can really say that my world is made up of a lot of losers. This does not exclude anyone: men, woman, hermaphrodites, gays, lesbos, Republicans, Democrats, Americans, Chinese, Greenlanders, Buddhists, Muslims, and especially Christians. You know as well as I that in the very fibers of each of these catagories exist the extreme loosers of this world. And you are now void of excuses and exclusions concerning being a member of said group.
Therefore, listen. Those who are still fighting the fact that you are loser meterial, please leave, there is no hope for you. But for those of you that can honestly look at yourself and say, "Brother, I am a loser", do not loose hope. For, here, within this black text lies your answer.
That "Seven Steps to a Happy Life" crap will not be seen in these posts, either by you, or by your loser friends. In fact, I am going to face down some of the greatest enemies of the average loser. Keep reading the random but obvioiusly legit posts that make up this blog, and you will find that you are so much less lazy. Your demeanor is pumped. Favor seems to rest upon everything you touch. And you are actually getting something done. You will find that you are actually filled with a passion to accomplish, which heretofore was completely alien to your hopelessly looserish mind.
"The Biggest Loser is the one that achieves nothing in life (and not just some show about fat people)."
So, I have a third guarantee: stick with this blog and you will win. Do not stray from it's eternal wisdom, or you shall stay a loser until hell freezes over...or global warming ends and Al Gore isn't saying anything about it....................
........oh wait!
Sincerely, ContagiousJoy
